On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
Joy, oh joy, 8 out of 10 cats is back. I couldn't find any reference to the new season and then suddenly I'm checking again and finding eight belly-laugh-worthy episodes waiting for me. Woohoo! I could use a good cackle.
(Remember to read these out loud in a British accent. It's better.)
Jimmy on Susan Boyle: Yes this is the story that Susan Boyle came second in Britain's Got Talent. Or, as the Daily Mail reported it: a 48-year-old woman has been beaten by 11 youths from East London. There were 19 million witnesses and no-one's come forward: BROKEN BRITAIN!
Jack Whitehall on the British government expenses scam: It did go properly extreme, though. When I opened the newspaper and read about the guy that claimed for a moat I thought, you better be the MP for Camelot!
Sean Locke on the same: That duck island really annoyed me. I'll tell you why. Because it was a floating island. So that's not an island - it's a boat! Ducks don't need a boat - they can swim. That's like giving a ladder to a magpie!
Alex Zane on Obama's visit to the Middle East/Egypt: He got a standing ovation at the University of Cairo and everyone's like, that was fantastic. But it was a university. It's not hard to get a standing ovation at a university. I got a standing ovation when I was at university for drinking a pint of vodka from a tennis shoe.
Jimmy Carr on the same: Obama has pledged financial support for Egypt. I'm worried about where that money's going - it could be some kind of pyramid scheme.
This is definitely my favourite Not Always Right post so far this year:
Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin’ Movie Theater Rochester, NY, USA (A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.) Lady: “Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!” (I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)
Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up–”
Lady: “No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!”
Me: “Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I–” Lady: “I need to talk to your manager!” (I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)
Man: “Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?” (He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)
Lady: “Well… um… yes, that’s, uh, fine!” (She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, “I’ll be right back!” She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)
Every year the Melbourne International Comedy Festival brings great comedians not only to Melbourne, but also to tour other cities around the same time. It's my favourite time of year. I'm on a stricter budget just now as I'm buying a friend's car in about four weeks time, so I chose just three shows to see from the many, many available: Danny Buoy, Judith Lucy and Adam Hills (of purple balloon fame).
And then I got a call from the people at Thank God You're Here! Turns out the studio audience tickets I requested last year finally came up. TGYH is an improvisational comedy show. Each guest (mostly well-known comedians) walks into a scene, with only their costume as some sort of hint as to who they are. They need to figure out their character and respond to various prompts on the fly. To give you a taste of what the show's like here's a fabulous TGYH piece from Cal Wilson:
Well, the taping date they offered me was right in the middle of the comedy festival. So I had to see some more comedy shows, right? I mean I couldn't go to Melbourne during the festival and not see any comedy - it just wouldn't be right! So my 2009 entertainment budget suddenly expanded to include Potted Potter (fun, but more fun for kids), The Delusionists in Bunker Five (small budget production I can't recommend highly enough ~ if you're in Melbourne, check it out), Fiona McLoughlin and (drum roll please)...Janeane Garofalo (awesome).
I was in Melbourne for three days and it was so great. Carl Barron was a guest on the TGYH episode we watched, which was a treat. Brian Nankervis was the audience wrangler ~ there were lollies and juggling and jokes ~ he was great.
As a nice bonus, I met Janeane Garofalo in the park on Sunday. She was gracious about me interrupting her reading and I was pleased to hear she'd like to come back for another comedy festival. I'd definitely go see her again. I happened to be sitting (also doing some reading) in a very quiet, blocked off Collins St when 500 or so people walking the 'Way of the Cross' for Good Friday descended in orderly fashion on their way to the next huge, old, beautiful Melbourne church on their list. At each stop they read a scripture and sang - it was quite beautiful (a fabulous tenor was leading the crowd in the hymns) and I travelled along with them for a few stops before heading into the city for lunch. Nice way to be reminded that it was Easter.
I'm determined that one year I'm going to take two weeks leave, go to Melbourne and wallow in the comedy festival goodness. It's going to happen, people. It is.
And simply for your listening pleasure, David O'Doherty on Spicks and Specks performing his song, 'Very Mild Superpowers':
Just reading a little fluff piece on unusual celebrity children's names and came across this picture of Frank Zappa's kids. And I quote:
Diva, Ahmet, Moon Unit and Dweezil. Frank Zappa's kids all got weird names, but we reckon Dweezil copped it the worst.
That may be so, but apparently he also scored a goodly portion of the hotness in the family to compensate. Beautiful face. Actually he reminds of Adam Ant in his early days. Just needs some war paint and feathers.
And this story about a guy who crystalised an entire apartment. So freaking cool. If I ever own my own house I'd love to do that to one room (and yes probably never will, but stop thinking in terms of reality). Actually I've always wanted a tatami room, too. Maybe I could crystalise it first and then replace the crystally floor with tatami matting. The apartment (shown in the video below) looks like a dark, wet, sparkly cave, but imagine a room like that after someone with the money to do it had fitted it out properly and gotten great light in there. It would look unbelieveable. I wonder if the crystals stay once they form or have a limited span...? I feel like they'd stay, based on no scientific knowledge of the subject whatsoever.
I've always loved clever advertising. If I could draw (like, at all) that's what I would have studied at uni. This ad is so beautifully nuanced and technically sound, and it must have had a great director. In a sea of car ads babbling on about power and sleek design, the slogan 'have fun out there' is light and endearing and perfect for a car named after freedom. As for the actor, I want to drive with him to a place where you can see the sun set and then make out with him in the back of his Jeep Liberty. And I don't even care for four-wheel drives...
baby! baby! rock me gently, rock me slowly take it easy. don't you know that I have never been loved like this before?
...but this is freaking hilarious!!! (Thanks, Ai.) I thought it was kind of lame, right up until the moment I turned the sound on. Makes all the difference. (Not at all scary, by the way, for those of you who hate/fear/run very fast away from spideys as much as I do.)
Note to self: Starting a small kitchen fire is not the best way to make an early start getting away to Sydney.
(Don't worry, REALLY small...as in contained to the stove top. Cleaning up the spilled hot oil and getting the thin layer of smoke hovering under the ceiling out, however, took forever!
Oh, handy hint, by the way ~ you know how you can't put out an oil fire with water? Well salt works really well. Also burned oil and salt doesn't stick to the hotplate. Once it cools you can just pick it up and put it in the bin. Too easy. (Please don't start an oil fire just so you can try this out.)
Okay, I'm off to Sydney to catch up with my ex-housemate and see Chris Rock live. Yah!
There's a difference between being a good hostess and being so intent on everyone having the best possible time that you make the atmosphere in the room tense. You can promote fun just by relaxing a little and enjoying your own party.
For example:
If my drink is empty, I don't need you to leap to your feet and run to get me another.
If I don't eat an appetiser every minute, this doesn't mean I don't like them.
Ditto having seconds of dinner. The food was great. I just didn't want to roll home.
People wanting to go home before midnight doesn't mean the party sucked. 11:30pm is late for people whose seven and ten-year-old children are at the party with them.
Dancing: not everyone's into it. And that's okay.
We all had fun. I'm just not certain we had enough fun to satisfy her sense of what a 'great party' is. And I didn't like feeling like that was my role.
After a story about how George W Bush's watch had been stolen while he was visiting Albania:
George Bush has stolen an election, invaded a country on false pretences, tortured, lied and not signed the Kyoto Agreement, but now...his watch has been stolen.
If you're watching, Karma...make an effort!
Oh and here's the video (thank you, Youtube!) of the my favourite insult post a bit back. I've watched all six seasons now (six episodes of about twenty minutes ~ it's not enough) so I'll stop babbling about 8 out of 10 cats until next year.
Another interesting conversation (transposed by me into direct speech) from Neil Gaiman's blog:
Neil: Hi, this is Neil Gaiman, I need to fix something on my account. Visa Card Customer Service Rep: Hang on, are you the Neil Gaiman? Neil: Yes, I am. VCCSR: So...are you going to be writing an episode of Dr Who? Neil: ... o_O?
I do wonder at what point this sort of stuff moves to the need for super-secret dealings. I know that authors don't pull the same kind of scrutiny that A-list actors do, though the man has quite the cult following, but when will he be so famous that he needs to ensure that the customer service reps he deals with have some kind of clearance? Does that come guaranteed with the Platinum card? I wonder...
Finally, the mystery is solved. The author of Stuff White People Like is in fact...white. It's been a topic of hot debate in the comments on the site. It was my first guess, though he writes like an (amused) observer. But I knew for sure he was white when I heard he got a book deal. 'Cause it's not racist if one of your own is mocking you, right?
Well, racist stereotype or not, it's bloody funny. ^_^
From an episode of 8 out of 10 cats, in a round called 'And the winner is...?' where the contestants are given an opinion poll topic and have to guess what came in at the top of the results:
Poll: Worst place to cry?
Dave Spikey: Is it from your ears? Sean Lock: I would've thought it'd be in a photo-me booth, getting your passport photos done. Even time you enter a country you'd have to go... [pretends to cry] Justin Moorhouse: Job interview? Jimmy Carr: Correct answer, Justin. Yeah the worst place to cry is at a job interview, but in my experience it is definitely during sex...especially if the sex is during a job interview.
Thanks to Lifehacker, next April Fools' Day at the office is going to be sweet, sweet, sweet. Some of you may already have seen their post on Top 10 Harmless Geek Pranks, but it was just featured in a 'most popular posts' list and this was the first time I'd seen it.
There are several I won't be able to do because I can't install anything on someone else's computer at work, but I'm going to investigate no.2 (the printer one) and go into cahoots with one of the IT guys if necessary to make it happen.
These pix was posted by someone at the end of the comments. Too funny!
...comes from Sean Lock, one of the team leaders on 8 out of 10 cats, to host Jimmy Carr after Carr's extremely funny attempt to sound threatening, street style:
Right now your order is being printed out in the center of our warehouse on paper made of gold. We are all standing around waiting for it to finish and then we will place your order on a pillow as we wait for Palmer Cash to announce what you have ordered. Standing from his podium he will ring the bell 3 times and everyone will stop what they are doing as he reads your order to us. Then we will all burst into song and dance with such religious fervor to your wise and excellent choices.
Next your order will be packed with care by 3 virgin and one very advanced monkey wearing white gloves into a specially designed package that resists water, dirt, air and radiation in case of a nuclear explosion. Then your order will be sent out Priority Mail and make its long journey to it's new home avoiding thieves and hoodlums to land softly in your caring hands.
