the perfect penis

I just watched a documentary called The Perfect Penis. It was not only about the apparent male obsession with length and girth, but also the lengths some men will go to in order to realise their image of the perfect penis. Of course that implies there is such a thing. In my head is a quote from Uma Thurman's character in Prime, who says to her therapist (not knowing that the therapist is her boyfriend's mother):

His penis is so beautiful I want to knit it a little hat.

...um, yeah...okay.

It was car accident level interesting (you know? horrible, but you just can't look away). One guy was featured throughout the show as he researched and made decisions about penis enlargement, in spite of being a little above average in length to start off with. He went through an elargement operation and then will have to hang a weight on his penis for at least 8 hours a day for a few months. After the procedure, the doctor talked about how it was definitely longer by...how much, you ask?...3/8 of an inch (around a centimetre for us metric folk). I couldn't believe it! Maybe the weights increase the...increase, so to speak, but for goodness sakes. And this guy looked impressed, like 1cm was a great improvement for the US$4000 he spent getting it. Insane.

One guy has made his penis and testicles increasingly bigger through silicone modification until now his penis is like a huge blob. They didn't give a measurement for it, but his testicles are around 24 inches in circumference (both together). He has to kind of squat over the toilet bowl to urinate and can't have either oral or penetrative sex. After revealing his horrible, horrible genitalia, he said:

I think just the fact that people look at me and either wonder "what's going on? what is that?...why did you do that? and the basic questions people ask - can you still have an orgasm? [he didn't answer that question] things like that - I'm getting people to think, and I'm challenging their ideas of what a penis should look like, how a penis should function...so yeah, in those respects, I think I am challenging what people think a penis should be.

I sat looking at the screen in disbelief. How can a person be so completely delusional? The guy has deliberately turned himself into a freak show and he is sitting there blathering about challenging people pre-conceived notions of what a penis should be? Well um, yeah, I think it should not, for example, look like someone sewed a baseball inside of it. His penis didn't look interesting, attractive or remotely sexy - it looked ridiculous. It looked like a really elaborate and bizarre April Fools Day joke. He's a complete nutter. Challenging people's ideas? Yeah, well, how about challenging people's ideas on political participation and voting, or challenging their ideas on education in a just society. If you're going to challenge people, let it be something relevent!

The best comment I heard during the whole show came from one of the women they randomly interviewed on the street. When asked the question, 'what is the perfect penis?' she replied, 'Well, I would have thought one that functioned." Exactly.