officially mormon no more

I didn't make an appointment to see the bishop when I went to hand in my resignation letter. I'd had it sitting in my bag some time, not because I was hesitant, but because my writing group, which used to meet every second Sunday right across the street from the chapel, is now meeting elsewhere and I'm never in the area. Somehow today it felt necessary to have this decision, made a long time ago, finally actioned.

But he was in a meeting, and so I waited. Two wards meet in that chapel. I chatted with friends before they left for home and then sat alone for a while before new people started filtering in to attend the afternoon session. Just before the meeting started, one of my ex-seminary students came through with his family. Six** is a funny and deep-thinking kid (technically now a man, but young enough to be my kid, so whatever). I always wish I knew him better ~ he's just good value. He was probably surprised to see me there, given that he knew I had stopped attending back in January. He has his own issues and doesn't necessarily attend by choice. It's something we talked about a long time ago, when my mind was thick with doubt, but I wasn't yet talking to anyone else about it. I always felt bad for not telling him exactly how I felt at the time because I thought maybe he needed to hear that not being part of the church was a valid option, a choice he had a right to if he wanted it, and I don't know if I said it out loud to him like I should have. I think he knew I supported him no matter what, but I don't like not being open, especially when I trust the person I'm talking to.

I wanted the chance to talk to him and explain why I was there today, but the meeting was starting and he had to go inside. The ward was having their Primary presentation, an annual event where the Sacrament meeting ~ the music and talks, etc ~ are provided by the children in the ward under twelve. It was a little surreal. There I was, waiting just outside the chapel area where the meeting was happening, knowing that I was there to end my membership, all the while listening the children sing about eternal families and sharing the Gospel, etc. One talk featured a story about (ironically my favourite of the presidents of the church) Spencer Kimball telling a man whose many children were all active in the church and had all married in the temple (a special thing in the LDS church, with eternal blessings attached to it) that his was the greatest success story he had ever heard. Part of me felt sad because I taught in Primary for so many years and I still miss the kids I taught last year. But another part of me was responding to the memorised quotes and talks and songs by reflecting on how young the kids start learning that these things are truths and wondering what Six was thinking as he listened. Maybe he still had his headphones on and missed it all.

Finally the bishop was free. I explained why I was there, gave him my letter, and apologised for what I felt was probably an awkward meeting for him. I could tell he was holding in his emotions when he asked if this was a step I really wanted to take. I explained that I had made the decision over a long period of time and was sure it was what I wanted. I didn't explain much more, because I knew that everything I felt I needed to say was in the letter. Talking to him about it then would have put him on the spot; probably make him feel like he had to find the magic words that would fix my broken belief. He's a good guy; I didn't need to put him through that. He started to explain 'the process from here', but I stopped him to explain that actually the only part of the process that involved me was that they would send a letter later to confirm I was no longer considered a member and I was cool with that. Then I wished him and his family well and that was that.

It was so strange, driving away. In some ways this was such a small thing ~ a piece of paperwork to tie off a loose end that's been dangling for months. But in some ways it's huge. The LDS church is part of the culture I grew up in, has always been a massive part of my social network, and was a major influence in the forming of my core values. It took me a long time to stop attending, even after I felt I should (it's uncomfortable to be a non-believer in amongst all that certainty ~ I didn't realise how often it's stated/reinforced/implied/sung until I no longer felt the same) because I needed the time to say goodbye to it. I did do that, which is why I'm calm today. Way back when I first realised that I no longer believed Joseph Smith (founder) to be who he claimed to be, and knew immediately (because my mind always plays things out to their logical conclusion) that this would end with me leaving, I think I cried for about two weeks straight.

I got lucky on the way home. There was Six walking along and I offered him a ride. He didn't seem particularly surprised by my news, but then his mind was full of more pressing things. Actually I was glad to just leave it behind and focus on my conversation with him as we drove. He leads a busy life and I'm not sure how long it'll be before I catch up with him again.

To those who read this blog who are members, let me state for the record that I adore you and will still be happy to read about your church adventures and milestones and will never think you are silly to be LDS. This decision is not about me rejecting everything I ever learned at church. Maybe I would feel differently if my church experience had been more negative (and I acknowledge that for some there is a lot to be bitter about) but I was actually pretty lucky in the people I knew and worked with at church. I had amazing teachers who loved me unconditionally back when I was (I'm fairly sure) a complete snot. I still have wonderful church friends, some of whom I've known since my early teens.

I was actually warned that my family and friends might disown me if I left the church (by someone it happened to). My mother (the only active member in my family) and every friend I've told so far all reacted the same way ~ they were surprised/shocked, they told me that they would respect the decision (even if they felt it was a sad thing) and then we moved on. I'm sure at some point someone will react poorly and tell me it's a huge mistake or that I'm going to hell or something, but as long as my close friends and family are cool about it, I don't really care what anyone else says. I even had a few friends respond by telling me that they were also not attending church, or were experiencing serious doubts or, in one case, were also planning to leave. That was a surprise, but interesting.

And life travels on.

**(0:48-0:53 a reference Six will understand if I end up sending him a link to this post. :))

surreal and funny harry potter conversation

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Harry Potter books 6 and 7.

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So Band Boy (who used to be Drummer Boy but sings and plays guitar now (18-year-old)) finally got around to reading the sixth book in the Harry Potter series, finishing a couple of days ago just in time to see the movie premiere (in just under five hours, yah). Last night we were talking about watching the trailer and seeing that one moment (1:53 in this linked video) where Snape says 'it is over' and feeling overwhelmed by the fact that this is the moment when he kills Dumbledore.

Now here's the thing. I'VE read the 7th book and I know that what Snape is doing there is heroic and painful and beautiful. However, Band Boy HASN'T read the 7th book and is under the impression that he has just read the big Snape revelation, the proof (FINALLY!) that Snape is eeeeevilllll.

So for the next ten minutes I'm having a conversation with him, trying to be as empassioned as he is about the fact that AFTER ALL DUMBLEDORE HAS DONE for Snape, after he SUPPORTED him when SO MANY PEOPLE said that he was still a death-eater and couldn't be trusted, that RAT BASTARD killed him!! And how this is the end of the (Harry Potter) world as we know it. And asking HOW HOW HOW could Dumbledore have BELIEVED him for ALL THOSE YEARS?

hehehehe

He is so going to want to kill me when he reads the 7th book. But I remember that moment of devastation on that balcony o' death when I was reading the 6th book, and I'm not going to take that away from him. It's a heart-wrenching scene, but it's also fantastic writing. And thank goodness they cast Alan Rickman as Snape.

Oh and can I just say how thrilled I am that Lupin's back again, and with David Thewlis still in the part. He's one of the reasons the third movie is still my favourite. I'll let you know if that changes after tonight. :)

not for the reason you think, christian lander

He's always calling me correctly, but I get out of this one, because even though I am technically a white person who loves Bob Marley, I am also Bajan and quite rightfully love most West Indian music. And Marley did make some amazing music.

In other news, I must really love the Dancer Boy, because I've just spent way too much money to buy a Beyonce ticket so he doesn't have to go to the concert by himself (his friends don't have the money). It's not like I hate her music or anything ~ and she's the kind of artist who pulls out all the bells and whistles for an arena concert ~ but it's unlikely I would have seen her in concert if there were no obsessed 14-year-old desperate to be there (tragically he knows the entire dance in the 'Single Ladies' music video).

What I DO get out of it is a fun roadtrip to Sydney with a kid I like and to be there when he gets to do something that he's thrilled about. It's almost a tradition ~ I've been on similar roadtrips with his brother and sister. And in the end it's only money.

Now that I come to think of it, this month the government is giving me $900 free in K-Rudd's stimulus package. I guess I'm already spreading the wealth. You're welcome, Economy!

me and the blog

I've been asked before why I blog. It's a good question, but one that is hard to answer. I like to write, but there's a difference between writing for fun or relaxation or to comment on political or social issues or just life, and writing as a craft. I might work for weeks on a 400-word story or a poem, but that isn't going to happen with a blog post. And it shouldn't. It's more natural to just write and only edit for correctness. It's like the difference between snapshots and paintings, and the blog is more like a photo album than an art gallery.

Because of this, I sometimes worry that what I write on the blog is largely superficial. That isn't to say that I don't ever write about issues that are meaningful to me, but most of the time they are issues that are out there in the world and not about me personally and my own life. Some of the reason for that is that the most personal things (worth writing about) are hard things and it's difficult to open yourself to the vulnerability writing about them entails.

I don't write very often about things like the deep lonliness I sometimes feel, or how frustrating it is to feel like I have this immense capacity for loving that I never get to express (at least haven't for a long time). I haven't been in that many serious relationships, but those few were pretty good. I was good at loving them (obscure Christian Slater movie reference anyone?) I hope I get that chance again with someone I like and respect.

I've spent my whole adult life caring for, teaching, supporting and generally emotionally investing in other people's children and it's painful to realise that I may never get the chance to raise kids that I get to keep instead of give back. To be honest I've never even really cared whether or not I gave birth - I hate it when people say you have to bear a child to be a mother, because it isn't true. But the difference is that when you do give birth, you really have to screw up for someone to take that child away. When you don't, you have to wait for someone to allow you the privilege of raising a child, and that's rare. A couple of years ago a close friend of mine and her partner were basically just given a baby. I wish it were that easy for me. If someone dropped a child off on my doorstep, I'd have to change my entire life to accomodate them, yet it would be an easy decision to make.

These are the things that I don't often say, because they are ever-present and if I blogged about them all the time it would be a very angsty blog indeed. Generally speaking, my life isn't so angsty. It's busy and challenging and sometimes lovely. And sometimes not.

The other reason I don't blog about personal things a lot is that I'm (perhaps too) aware of my audience ~ both the known and the unknown. In my life offline I have a few friends that I talk to about pretty much anything, but only a few. I've connected with some awesome people through the blogosphere, some of them people I think I could be friends with for real if we lived close enough to each other for that to be viable. So part of me wants to just be one of those bloggers who writes without concern for who reads, because I've had good experiences with people who read and comment.

But the internet is a weird place and I find it more sensible to assume that everyone I know reads the blog, because then hopefully I won't write anything that hurts someone, or that exposes me or someone I know to stupid gossip, or reveal even good things that they regard as too personal for the internet. One of my closest friends found and read the blog for a while before telling me that they were doing so. What they thought they might read while I was unaware I do not know. But it's one of the things that makes me cautious, because this is a person who probably knows anything I'm likely to write here anyway. I don't know if it's truly possible to be anonymous on the net, and I'm not even sure I want to be completely so ~ but if not, then what I write will always be tempered by an imagined audience. It's just the way it is.

Anyway, the point of this post is really that I hope I can open up a bit more in the future about myself, even if there will always be a line that I don't want to cross. During my short break I read some of my earlier posts and it felt like I had more to say. I still have things to say. I hope some of you will stick around to read them.

today i wrote a character reference

A few months back I mentioned that a friend had moved overseas. Now she finds herself, away from her friends and extended family, facing a divorce and a custody battle. My impression from her emails is that she really did not see this coming. The move was supposed to be a good one - a chance for her husband to return to his birthplace and spend more time with his older children now that he's retired. She was so supportive of this wish of his, and now it's all gone to hell in a handbasket.

So today I found myself trying to capture in a page or so just how wonderful I think this woman is: to write something that will give her support and truthfully tell how loving and capable a parent I believe her to be. It's easy to write in some ways - her kids are lovely and her good parenting is written all over them. But it's also sad that the need to write it exists at all. Anyway, it's done and now I just need to mail it. It's hard to say if it will help, because things like this carry more weight if you can comment on the most recent six months and of course she's been overseas during that time. But the opportunity was given to write it, and it can't hurt to add another character reference to the pile. If nothing else I hope it will give her the support I wish I was there in person to give.

twilight revisited

I've been reading Twilight again - well, listening to it actually. Last time I read it really fast, mainly because Bella's constant whiney martyrdom is so irritating. However, my favourite kids are currently obsessed with it, and I missed so many details the first time that it's hard to participate in their conversations about it - the book, the movie, comparing the book and the movie. I decided it wouldn't cost me too much holiday time to just read the thing again.

I've thought several times that the writing is not as bad as I first thought. In fact, wherever Bella isn't rambling about how perfect and beautiful and amazing Edward is, or about how hopeless and ordinary and insignificant she is, some of the writing was downright good. Of course as I'm typing this, Bella is under the impression she's dying and is now talking about an 'angel' saying her name...Edward of course. After I got through rolling my eyes I spent some time controlling my gag reflex - so sickeningly sweet.

The things I do for those kids...

chosha saves christmas

I called Flexi Boy this afternoon to ask if he'd bought a particular present for someone (so I could get it if he hadn't) and discovered he was also at the mall. When we met up for bubble tea ten minutes later I asked how many presents he still needed to buy. He said all of them bar one: seven presents.

It was then I informed him that the shops were closing in less than an hour.

One mystery book (my present), Barbie Island Princess bean bag, sea monkeys, video game, Play Doh, Iron Man DVD, box of sea shell chocolates and bathrobe purchase later he was all set. I took him back with his treasures to my place and we wrapped everything so he could take it all home ready to go under the tree. It was a crazy hour of shopping, but so much fun!

This year is the first year he's had a real part-time job and he was excited that he could afford to get people things they'd really like. Not that that always meant something expensive - one of the presents cost him $80, another just $9, but in both cases it was right for the person - but last year he probably had $50 to spend in total and had to decide everything by price. All three of the kids are like that. They really enjoy buying gifts for other people and appreciate everything they receive. I'm really looking forward to watching everyone open their presents tomorrow.

things i did on the weekend

1. Got a new boarder. He's from Saudi Arabia, which means our home will, most weeks, be a pork-free zone. He's quite gregarious, which I'm sure is a shock to the system for Hermit Boy, my Japanese boarder. He's definitely an extrovert and very eager to increase his level of English, so he chats a lot, but he's also not used to that much English, so by yesterday evening he was exhausted. I remember that!! At work in Japan most people wanted to speak English to me, but church was three hours of trying to understand Japanese way beyond my level that had me struggling to stay awake and not miss my stop on the train home (and it was only two stations from Ibaraki to Takatsuki).

2. Told Dancer Boy (aka Keyboard Kid) that I was going to rename him Flexi Boy on my blog after he showed me some particularly twisty moves he's picked up learning Contemporary. He's been concerned because he is the only one in his dance class that hasn't been learning dance for at least ten years and isn't doing more than four classes a week, but today his dance teacher told him that he's catching them up, so he was pretty excited. It's pretty exciting for me, too, to watch him get better as a dancer week by week. We watch a lot of dance-related TV shows or movies together (especially 'So You Think You Can Dance?') but suddenly he can watch a move and then two days later he's doing it in my kitchen. Wow.

3. Realised that despite reading numerous related posts, I had somehow missed the fact that Transgender Remembrance Day was happening. I would like to post something on that, but I'll do it tomorrow.

4. Gave the Primary kids left over Halloween candy. They all left with an eyeball, an ear, a severed finger or a nose. :)

my week in a thousand words or less

It's been a busy few days since I got back from Japan. Wednesday I slept half the day away and then went to see the Free Rain production of Seven Year Itch. Of the three productions I've seen (Seven Year Itch, Pride & Prejudice and Hedda Gabler) this one had by far the best acting and direction. Their next production is The Secret Garden, a children's musical being done at the end of the school holidays in January. I love the book so I'll probably borrow someone's kid and go along.

Thursday I returned to work. I still haven't tackled the 200 emails waiting for me, because Thursday and Friday were both taken up by a training course in project management. Thursday night I went to see Drummer Boy and the Keyboard Kid perform at their school drama night. KK was amazing, though he performed the same piece he's been getting mileage out of for three months now...slacker. :) DB is going through a songwriting phase, and he's talented, but he sings in this weird American-sounding accent that distracts you from the song itself. Perhaps he's modelling his singing on some vocalist he likes, but I hope he gets over it soon. I don't want people to ignore his songs because he's making them sound affected and over-emotional. The boys were performing as opening acts to a school play called Bang Bang, You're Dead, an exploration of the mindset behind school shootings. I expected it, in spite of the provocative content, to be as lame as most school productions are, but it was actually pretty powerful. Also got to meet DB's new girlfriend. Interesting.

Friday night I went to the pub after work to meet Army Boy's girlfriend, who came up for the weekend from Melbourne. He mentions her a lot at work so it was good to put a face to the name. Her plane was delayed, so I only got ten minutes or so to suss her out, but she seems normal enough. Then I had to rush off to a baptism. I may or may not have mentioned that Gangsta Girl's boyfriend moved into my place a few months ago. Nice guy, quiet, plays a lot of xbox and ps3, good friends with DB (GG's brother) who is now often at my house. Anyway, he's been coming to church a lot with them, and while I was away he decided to get baptised. Sky had the brilliant idea of putting me on the program to sing, but I nixed that one as soon as I found out. It's been a long time since I sung in public and two days was not enough time to practice or organise someone to play piano. It would have sounded like crap, which I'm guessing wasn't quite the sound they were hoping for.

[Sky often has "brilliant ideas" of things other people should do (while she stays carefully out of the spotlight at all times). The last one was to ask a friend of ours (who dances, but is not a confident singer) to perform a singing telegram at some guy's farewell, in a maid costume Sky owns (I could ask, but chances are it would be TMI). And somehow she was honestly surprised when the girl said 'no'.]

Anyway, the baptism was nice. XB's folks drove three hours to come support him, which was good of them. Some parents feel strongly about their child joining a different church/religion to the one in which they were raised, and can be quite negative, but they were friendly and cheerful at the baptism, even though in conversation later it was clear have their own beliefs.

Saturday was election day. It was also the day to restore my home to cleanliness after three weeks of XB and Noddy doing the bachelor pad thing...not attractive. They (and by they I mean XB, as Noddy barely does dishes, let alone real housework) did "clean up" before I got back, but apparently nineteen-year-old boys can't see mould...terrible really, someone should plan a benefit.

Saturday evening I went to the first of many Christmas parties ~ can't believe it's that time of the year already ~ this one for the Relief Society (aka women over 18 at my church). What stood out most was the attention to detail: tiny tinsel garlands on the stems of the glasses, delicately cut out words ~ joy, faith, peace, love ~ in gold, red and green strewn across the table, the fruit punch flavoured with mint leaves, little bows on the back of each chair. Strangely we sung no carols, the only thing that disappointed me. Apart from that it was perfect: relaxed, good food, good conversation, nativity scenes appearing on a small screen framed to look like a manger tipped up on its side, a Christmas story or two.

Lastly, after the party, Sky and I visited Dobby (friend of Drummer Boy's that they took in a few months back) who had his appendix out this week. He's doing okay with the help of his new best friend: pain medication. As we walked through the halls of the hospital we happened upon a lone guy watching TV in a waiting area, just in time to find out we had a new government. A great end to a good day.

Sunday I went to church. The Primary kids liked the Japan-themed bendy pencils. I also showed them Japanese money and some other random stuff I brought back. And tonight I went to Sky & Rev's for dinner because clearly seeing me five days in a row just isn't enough for them.

And that was my week. How was yours?

triumph may be too strong a word

However, at the Roadshow on Saturday night...

1. Everyone remembered their lines, including the ones they were singing.
2. All props were in place at the right time.
3. The audience laughed, and at the right stuff.
4. They remembered to slow down and project their voices, things they were still not doing even at the dress rehearsal.
5. The disco dancing chorus were awesome!! And the disco ball, lowered by way of a string by yours truly, fell at just the right moment.
6. One of our actors won an award for 'best personality'. The character was a servant who was ever-alert and prepared to save the Prince's skin when things went awry. We just loved him because he was the key player in a number of staged moments - stuff like catching the glass that the hero drops when he springs forward to catch the sister doing the fake swoon...and he managed them all without a single mistake.
7. They all had a good time and came off stage bubbly and pleased with themselves!

Woden ward won the night, and deservedly so. They did this fabulous Bollywood style 'star-crossed lovers' type story, complete with colourful Indian costumes and dancing. My other favourite thing, from a different play, was this kid dressed as a tractor. They'd somehow set up the box around him so that depending on which way he turned the steering wheel, the tractor would either smile or frown ~ so cute! They used a lot of kids in that play and had them dressed as chickens and pigs and all manner of farm animals. I didn't actually watch the play, though, as that was when I was assembling our props ready to go on.

In the end it was a fun thing to do, but I'm glad it's over, because it's taken over my life the last few weeks. Now my main goal is to get some eBay listings up and do a couple of new t-shirt designs. The last is a great way to de-stress, which is weird in a way, because drawing when it's NOT on my drawing tablet has the opposite effect on me. I like drawing ~ I just suck at it ~ and the drawing tablet makes it easier to make things look the way I want them to look.

roadshow countdown

Two days till the performance and I am quietly flipping out on the inside, which calming running lines with nervous people on the outside. I always seem to have an armful of props, whether I'm at rehearsal or not, and I still have to make a big pretend fairytale book for our narrator kid to read from...argh! I'm actually starting to enjoy it a lot, but I'm also living on toast and getting about 4 hours sleep a night.

Someone asked for the song lyrics. Here they are. The situation is that Sarah has just faked tripping so she can fall into Williams arms and say things like, 'oh you're so strong!' while Brittany (I didn't choose the names), Mary's other evil sister, is telling Mary, 'oh dear, it looks like you've lost your date'. Mary is devastated, throws her shoe at William (little Cinderella moment there) and storms off to the end of the stage so the audience can see her cry. William drops Sarah (very funny) and tries to think of some way to explain. His trusty servant, James, appears with a CD, and it's game on for apologetic beaus. You also need to know that William is being played in an over the top posh British type and hammed up to the nines in the process, which is why his lines in the song are so ridiculous - they sound right in his mock-upper crust accent.

To the tune of 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor

William: I know that what you just saw didn't look so good.
Made you think I hadn't acted quite the way I should.
But you have to know that you're the only one that I adore.

Mary: I should have known.
You've never let me down before.

Brittany: Oh William, please!
Don't give us that.
You had your arms around our sister soon as Mary turned her back!

Mary: Don't worry dear, I know the truth.
And you two better understand,
In all future conversations, talk directly to the hand.

Chorus (every else on stage except these four) bursts into big disco dance moves as they sing (a disco ball descends from the ceiling, hit by a spotlight):
And just like that.
Their plot's revealed.
Brittany and Sarah
Couldn't keep their jealousy concealed.

Sarah: I still don't understand what she sees in that guy!

Mary: His heart is pure.
And he's a really funny guy.

William: Oh no, not I.
You're much too kind!
Oh as long as I have you my dear
I'll always wear a smile.

Mary: They tried to make me love you less.
But I'll always love you best.

Sarah: (sob) I'm gonna cry!

Brittany: And so am I!

Chorus: Hey, hey. (They've been moving subtley while the others sang, but now burst back into big disco moves as they dance in formation around William and Mary as he returns her shoe (using James as a stool for her to sit on) and they embrace.

We didn't go for a second verse, for time reasons. I know the lyrics are a little corny, but trust me, that makes them fit right into the play as a whole.