a little east of reality

Sunday, February 05, 2006

the neverending spiral of suckiness

Apologies in advance for the sudden negative shift. Thursday was such a chirpy little day getting the house all clean and organised, but since then everything has pretty much sucked. I've blogged a little about some of the things that frustrate or upset me. The top two in that category at the moment are friends and finances. This weekend they both went to hell and I just want to kick things and cry.

I've definitely found it hard to meet people in Canberra. And I do try. Last year I became friends with a couple of people from work. Then one got married and both moved on to new jobs, and since then they're always too busy to get together. At church there are not so many single people my age, and married people keep a whole different schedule and have different priorities. I've met lots of people I liked, but almost no-one with the time or inclination to hang out. I went to a local course hoping to meet some people with similar interests, but the other four women doing the course all worked at the same place. They had come as a group and just talked to each other all night. I met some great people when I checked out another course (art course at the community centre) and was really pleased to find out that they were all signing up for the next term - and then the course was cancelled due to lack of funding. The one family I am really close to here (who I've known for years) are pretty self-contained, so I've met almost no-one through them.

The whole process has been so disheartening and lately it's gotten worse. Maybe it's just the busy nature of the summer holidays, but time after time plans I've made with people have been changed or cancelled or simply forgotten, because they had other priorities. For a while I just tried to remind myself that that's reality. If you're sister gets sick you might need to miss a movie. If your boss sucks, maybe you'll be so tired on Friday night that you'd rather fall into bed than have dinner with me. And for a while that was okay. But yesterday yet another thing I was looking forward to didn't happen and I just sat there all evening feeling insignificant and stupid, and I realised that what was really upsetting me was not that people had other priorities, but rather the fact that I am nobody's number 1 priority and have nobody to make mine.

Yes this is about being single, but it's not just about that. It's also about not have family nearby. It's about having no-one that you're responsible for. Some people like me, some even love me, but nobody needs me. I'm not used to it, and I don't like it. I don't like that it's easy to cancel plans with me. I don't like it that people assume I will understand and be comfortable with the fact that someone or something else always comes before me. I especially hate the fact that none of these people cares enough to realise that our plans might be really important to me, because when they go home they go to their husband or kids or boyfriend or whatever and when I go home I go home to nothing. Yeah, I know, the dread pirate Phi lives at my house, but he plunders and pillages (read: works) six nights a week, and to be honest lately he's been just another friend who's too busy with other things.

I'm tired of trying to meet people and I'm tired of trying to make plans with the friends I have and I'm tired of being single and loneliness sucks. I'm starting to learn to have no expectations. I'm starting to feel like people are doing me a favour by spending time with me. And you know what? ~ that's crap! I'm an okay person. I have a sense of humour. I can make conversation. I care about other people. I really miss being around people who know these things about me. I miss being significant in someone else's life. Is it just Canberra people, or it is me? Am I different here? I've lived here two years; I feel like I should have a lot of these answers already, and I don't.

The other major suckfest in my life is that I can never seem to get ahead on my finances. Every time I clear away some debt, or find a way to get extra money, something goes wrong and I am back where I started. (eg I pay off a credit card and then my car suddenly needs an alternator, a battery and front tyres.) I went through a long process to apply for a promotion at work a couple of months ago ~ the selection panel ranked me number 2 (and there were 2 jobs going, so that means I was successful), but then our manager decided to wait until after the January reshuffle (of the branches in our organisation) to make the changes in individual jobs. So here I sit on the same salary, with no sign as yet that all that effort wasn't for nothing.

Another thing I decided to do in order to make it easier to pay the bills was to take on another boarder. I advertised for a few weeks and finally organised for someone to move in. Well, he was supposed to arrive today. Is he here? No, he is not. He not only hasn't shown up, but he also hasn't contacted me. If he lets me down, I will have to start the whole process again and it will mean that yet another attempt to improve my financial situation has fallen through. It's so frustrating! I'm tired of trying so hard and seeing nothing but a long future ahead of more of the same.

And that's where I'm at. The whole weekend's just been one big disappointment and right now that seems to be symbolic of my life in general. And I feel so sad and frustrated. Logically I know things have to change sometime, but right now logic can kiss my ass ~ your whole life shouldn't all suck at once - it's just too hard to take.