a little east of reality

Saturday, March 11, 2006

emotional credit ratings

Some people are weird. The moment you let them know they mean something to you, they get nervous. They don't know what it means, even when it means nothing. They worry about what your expectations are, even when you don't have any. They act as if you've done something wrong just for valuing who they are.

That reaction hurts. And you miss them when they aren't around as much. But after a while, if you have any self-esteem, that attitude starts to make you mad instead. You realise that you shouldn't have to apologise for liking someone, and that you really don't need the job of carrying their emotional baggage around. Eventually, when it all gets a little old, you stop liking them. Who they are isn't what you thought it was, and you have better things to invest your time and emotions in. Eventually their avoidance is convenient, because you just don't care any more.

And the moment you don't, there they are - back again and wanting your time and attention. They talk about their life, the things that have them smiling and the things making them scowl, and you try to be attentive. Some of it interests you; most doesn't. But you try to make listening noises, and part of you wants to revive the care you felt rather than the defensiveness. But in the back of your head there's a little voice saying:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
And you just know that in the end, they aren't worth it.