a little east of reality

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

wednesday wt...?: the static quo

Man builds up 30,000 volts of static electricity

Victorian authorities believe a walking conducter rod man built up at least 30,000 volts of static electricity in his jacket simply by walking around the western Victorian city of Warrnambool yesterday.

The arch villain man left a trail of scorch marks and molten plastic on innocent victims behind him.

It was yesterday afternoon when The Human Torch Frank Clewer walked into a Warrnambool business and got his first shock, reminding him of the 'good ole days' in the asylum.

"It sounded almost like a Stephen King character firecracker or something like that," he said.

"It was at the mystical conduit reception area. Within say, around five minutes, the portal to hell carpet started to erupt," he said.

Burns the size of 10-cent pieces were left on the carpet where Mr Jiffy Firelighter Clewer had been standing chanting and gesturing.

The Country Fire Authority (CFA) evacuated the building and those not yet burned to a crisp around it, fearing the newest member of the X-men power could cause larger electrical problems.

But Mr Clewer's reign of fiery terror worries continued when he got back in his car.

"I actually scorched a piece of plastic I had on the floor of the car," he said. "Sadly it was my only remaining credit card."

Expert on the occult Scientist Karl Kruszelnicki says it is likely the electrical build-up was caused by a number of factors, such as the alignment of dark and hidden planets synthetic clothes the man was wearing.

"I've read of it in the Book of Shadows but I've never heard of it here in Australia."

The CFA has the incendiary deviceMr Clewer's jacket and says it is continuing to give off voltage. They plan to auction it on eBay.
Back off! Just back off!