a little east of reality

Sunday, July 17, 2005

loneliness bites woman

I'm tired. Life is wearing me down like sandpaper. Not fine-grained paper smoothing rough edges, but harsh, course-grained stuff scraping at my skin, making it painful to the touch.

Does that sound melodramatic? Yeah, probably. Things often do when you aren't the one going through it. But from here it just feels like the truth, and a truth that makes me want to crawl under my quilt and pretend that its warmth and darkness are all I need to think about. Of course life isn't like that, so I work, I see a movie, I blog, I meet friends, I read, I shop, I cook. But lately life feels like I'm just ticking off a 'to do' list. And that's what's wearing me thin.

There's a scene in the movie Threesome. Alex has just been rejected (sexually) by her friend Eddie - not because he doesn't love her, but simply because he is gay. She is trying to express her hurt and frustration and it comes out as need.
Oh, I am so sick of this shit, it's not NORMAL!...I am so sick of falling for guys who don't give a fuck about me! I need help! I need a facial! I need to go on a diet! I need money! I need new shoes! Oh, God, just do something!
This is just how I feel. The situation is different (and if you've seen the movie, you'll agree that's a good thing) yet really it's not at all. I could write you a list of needs just as superficial as the ones she gave, but I'd really be saying the very thing she really wants to say. I need someone who loves me. I need someone who will let me love them. I need to feel beautiful. I need to know that there's someone who doesn't just see me as another meaningless human, in all ways replaceable and interchangeable with countless others. This is what's making me tired. I'm tired of not having it. More importantly, I'm tired of wanting it.

When I express this out loud to friends they always feed me the same seemingly kind line.
You never know what's around the corner, chosha! You don't know what the future holds.
This is supposed to give me hope. Excuse me while I chuckle quietly at how very opposite the consequences of such advice is to their intention. No, I don't know what the future holds, but isn't that just the fucking point? What then do I have to go on? That's right, the past. Given how many years have gone by now without relevent change, I have no good reason to look into the future and imagine it is going to miraculously bring me all that I want. Yeah, I know, it could happen. So what? If it not happening is just as (or more) likely, then what does that matter?

In the end I had to put this picture in just to make myself laugh. I mean it's all such a sad cliche - so much so that I almost never post about it, and rarely bring it up in real life. Wow, a woman in her 30s is looking for someone to love...call the press! Or not. It's like that journalism saying: "Dog bites man: no story. Man bites dog: story!" This is not a 'man bites dog' kinda story. If it were, all those romance novelists and internet dating sites would be out of business. But it doesn't feel like a cliche when you're living it. It just hurts.